Glass Fortress

A long time ago the son of Frank Lloyd Wright designed a church of glass. I’ve mentioned this a million times but there is this thought that God is actually in light, indeed He IS light. I always thought that by going to this church made of glass I would somehow feel closer to Him.

I've talked a million times about how I never feel safe, about how my entire life I have lived in fear, how I know I will be hurt, how I know I will be forgotten.

I have long feared my comparison with a siren. With a girl stranded that somehow is able to draw men in but in the process brings them down, makes me them drown. For some reason it seems easy for men to tell me: they love me, they are interested in me, they find me unique. But I know the truth. I know I am average in every way, I know that they want to see me sing. I know they’ll all sail away and never remember who I was.

A little while back it was brought to my attention that one of my friends lives is changing drastically, for the better. I wanted so much to be happy for him but I know that his victory comes from hurting me. I know what I went through while he grabbed something that meant everything to me and nothing to him. I'll retell the story in the only way that will work for this. This guy don and I had decided to do this epic trip together to Barcelona. It meant so much to me. I had been looking forward to it for a very long time but had been nervous and had been talking to him about it a lot. About how I was frightened it wouldn’t work out. About how I wanted to go with him because I didn’t think I could do it on my own. I was so nervous but so excited. First trip with someone since evan and all. I was thrilled as we planned it-it was our time to get to know each other, be with each other. But. As things go. Somewhere along the line he told me he didn’t really want to go with me anymore that his life had become too busy. Anyway so turns out, he just bought tickets to go with a girl named sarah who has family over there. Months pass and him and I haven’t spoken much in recent days. I want to be happy for him. I’m trying. But yes, I’m jealous. For a number of reasons. And hurt. For several others. Last night he came over and I was visibly upset to see him so he left but came back while I was talking to someone else. Don started talking about the trip. The guy I was with asked how it came up, what made him want to go, how he decided to do it, etc. don responded 'well I had been looking for someone to go with and then when I found sarah was going back I just it was perfect!' single-ish.

In a moment I became invisible. In a moment I disappeared. I have long since one some level thought that if I wasn’t in front of someone I didn’t exist to him. Long since wondered if the reason we fear the dark is because God is no longer there. Because He can no longer reach us. I became extinct.

I feel people when they kiss me. I feel they’re interest as they hear me, see me react. I feel it as this odd cycle I cant understand but watch over and over. It’s me you know. There’s something in me that does this.

I have spent a very long (and annoying) conversation trying to explain what I would be able to offer someone in a D/s relationship. The man I was talking to was comparing things that I don’t do with the typical D/s dynamic. Talking about cooking, cleaning, etc. for me those are nothing. For me those aren’t being a submissive. But then I have rather strong views.

I was young when I started this life style. I was younger than most when I had my first M/s relationship. I was 15. I would spend hours thinking about being a slave long before I had ever kissed a boy. I lived in a world that never existed but I perfected it. There’s a reason I ask questions often. It’s important to me to get it right, to make sure I do it right. I have worked exceptionally hard on my half, I can live up to it, and I can live up to being the slave I want to be. It’s not the one people are looking for. I know how to react when someone pulls my hair. I know how to sound when someone grabs me. But I know a lot more than that. Most people within the first time of meeting me will tell me three things: I’m beautiful, I’m smart, and I’m interesting. All of those are far less right and far truer than people understand.

The part of me that is beautiful is hidden. I’m not opposed to showing it I just get hurt often and take things slower now. But I still am me. I still will fight till the end of time for what’s right. I will stay be the person who moves the body of the dead bird from the road. I am still the person will let myself be injured if it means someone else gets something they need. I am terribly smart. I do initially come across as smart-ish but as people get to know me they have to see how ditzy I am. I can be dumb. You do not even want to know some of the stupid, stupid things I have done. But I also am more capable then people ever give me credit. I watch more than people know. I’m interesting at first because people don’t see girls like me who haven’t had sex. Women in a kink community who don’t believe in sex. I’m interesting because I haven’t ever learned polite conversation so just say what I think. Those things are all just oddities that mean nothing. I’m interesting because of how I think and what I believe and the connections my mind forms between those.

Wright’s church is this narrow pathway of glass that takes you up to the alter. It is grounded in that brown that was popular at the time that I can only assume he argued brought in the natural element. Truth is, the color distracts. It pulls the eye to the ground, away from the heavens. So even though that church is beautiful, its what it is trying and failing to show off that is the true beauty.

I read this article recently that put forth this idea, it is an old idea that I simply am unfamiliar with, that basically lays out that people came up with religion when they recognized that they were part of a species but not perfect. Essentially, the claim is that a person sees that there is someone out there who is the same as him, related to him, but different but that neither is perfect. What happens then is that out of this discrepancy the idea of God is formed. God then is the perfect version of this overlapping similarity between the two. Does that make sense? Now, long since this had been postulated it has come to light that religious site came about BEFORE communities which then means that people came together for the sake of worship, not the other way around I am very interested in this idea.

I am curious about how I formed my version of God. What did I see that I was missing that I used to help round of my version of the man behind the pearly gates? And when did I do this? Is that even how we still do this or has the development of the organized church etc. killed this?

I still see that church on the hill and see the beauty of the glass, the vaulted ceilings but those pews with the red bible covers flashing neon signs to learn of the Lord, to learn God's word. They pull away from the God that the windows opened up.

But we lose that. We start off with these intentions. The sky, the light, God. And we lose that. We lose this hope, this goal of somehow reaching that perfection. And we become entrapped by the rugs, the pews, the candles. The role of tradition such that is mandates we have these things. These things are required. And we go on. And we forget. We buy the tickets to Barcelona and forget why we wanted to go. We hear these songs from a beach and they sound so beautiful, and the water looks calm and it looks like it will be an easy trip. At some point we turn around and leave. Far as I know, no one ever wants back to save the sirens. Everyone wants that relationship. That D/s dynamic is valuable here. Everyone has an idea of what it should look like. Of how best to show that this is who you are. For some it’s a collar. For some it’s keeping perfect house. For some it is simply saying it over and over and over again to anyone that will listen, sharing the same stories as proof. To others it’s the mark of a bruise. Mine is hard because mine is only proven internally. I have worked so hard to ensure that my body will do, as it should. For those who don't know, I trained myself to flinch when I was young. I was never in danger of someone hitting me but I trained myself to do it. It got me what I deserved. I lost evan after he beat me up. So long looking at the dust around the cross we miss the sun setting and rising.

I have long told the story of my friend daniel. The only one to accurately describe me: she has never felt safe in her entire life. Eduardo has been kind enough to let me stay at his place while he is on a business trip to Niagara Falls. It occurred to me last night for the first time in weeks of doing this why I enjoyed it. I felt a bit safer. When I had to describe my safe hour last year I ventured a small fortress on an island that was made of heavy stone with small windows so I could see if anyone was coming. I felt safer at Eduardo’s though. Now I know why. No one knew I was there. They couldn’t get to me. They couldn’t hurt me. I could hide and not exist for a while. I could make myself disappear without the pain of someone removing me, killing me. I could hide and they couldn't attack me. I could disappear and they wouldn't stand next to me and say they forgot me. I didn’t have to worry about who was coming in the doors; I could look up to the heavens myself. My fortress didn’t need to be of heavy stone. It could be as light, as honest, as glass, as air, because I was invisible. Because I was light.

On the side of the Seattle Art Museum is a quote that I have fallen in love with: Can beauty be absolutely free from time, space, and context?

In my mind, I run through the sunsets I see over the ocean-maybe beauty can be free of context then. The eye sees light in a certain way and the blending of colors is beautiful. I hear stories of the beauty of childbirth-maybe beauty can be free of space then. And the timeless? Oh, but my favorite. Tragedy.

Light can sweep us all away. The oceans will erase all our trace. That church will fall away. And no one will remember. I will die and my bones will be buried, marked for fifty years at most. But, four hundred years, everyone will still be able to relate to a glass fortress, and everyone will know the beauty and that pain.

By the way, in case you were wondering. It's the idea that this pain wont ever go away. Because even as I type, the only safety I have come close to feeling was just given away. Lucy is coming back. Luckily, i just spend hours removing any trace that i had ever existed. I helped forget me. I erased me. Because i just lost my only place to hide. I guess all light disappears to the night. I wished i lived in light. I need my fortress, i need the heavy stones and the breaking waves. I dont have anywhere else to disappear. 

Miracles

I am wanting your thoughts.

Lately, there has been an awful lot of me being upset about this, or feeling anger by that, unfairly treated, frustrated, disappointed. Today at work was awful in a way I hope other people wont have to understand. On the bus home we were on the bridge, my favorite part of every day, and I saw the reflection of one of the massive boats in the dark water. All of the gold lights were shining and the super cranes towered above and seeing the reflections stir under-all I thought in that moment was "that is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." (If you know my love of trains, bridges, water that shouldn't surprise.)

After saying that in my mind while a fairly religious Christmas song played directly into my brain, I started thinking about Miracles. Tis the season, right?

I started to think about what I wanted; what i wanted more than anything this season no matter impossible, impractical, inconceivable it was. I started thinking about what i would do to have that wish, what i would be willing to give up forever to have my miracle.

The Little Drummer Boy is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. A small child has nothing to give but believes and wants to be there, wants to be a part of what makes Jesus smile. There is something in that song, that story that i cling. But, perhaps, for me, the most sincere, the most moving of all Christmas songs is Pretty Paper, a song that tells of a homeless man who is watching everyone smile, laugh, carry presents wrapped with bows but how they will never see him.

Everyone wants something for Christmas. Everyone wants to be loved, wants to feel peace, wants to have a miracle. Now, i know full well that most of you here want nothing to do with religion which is fine but my question remains:

What is your miracle? What do you wish for that you know will never come true but if there was some magic, some wish that could be heard, what would you wish for? And what would you be willing to give up for it?

Do you wish for peace? For every child to have a full meal and a roof? Do you wish for love and a family? To be home? To feel safe? Be remembered? For a different life?

And what would you give up for it?

"Crowded streets, busy feet, hustle by him
Downtown shoppers, Christmas is nigh
There he sits all alone on the sidewalk
Hoping that you won't pass him on by

Should you stop? Better not, much too busy
You better hurry, my how time does fly
And in the distance the ringing of laughter
And in the midst of the laughter he cries"

in case youve ever wanted to know how i get started writing an entry, here is basically how it starts. i gather random things in my mind, quotes ive read recently, a study that sticks out, a story that lingers, a photo that haunts me, song lyrics that seem more meaningful than they should and i start to ask why, what is it about these things that is making them linger, show up again and again, how do they relate. then is tart to think about the problems i try to solve in the world in the week. what has been happening too much. what have i been trying to explain. usually theres overlap and by that i mean usually there begins to be enough for me to play to see things in a new light that is temporarily worth exploring. so if my entries ever seem like i am build a lego set out of random legos to see what they make... i am.

saw a quote that basically asked if it was possible for beauty to be free from space, time and context?

read a study about where the mind travels when people view facebook that was entirely wrong.

article that talked about religion being the natural result of people understanding they are part of a perfect group but that they are flawed. and the role of love in that.

been thinking about dave getting married. people not being who they should be. needing to leave.

I should sleep more

At night, in the dark

I hear you call my name

At night, in the silence

I see you cry in pain

The sun has left and night has come

And I should have stopped long ago,

But promises should last forever

Even while I know I cannot do so

It’s the hope I will return

That holds you to my side

But fear of what I've done

That makes you shrink under sky

It was only the simplest voice I heard

That led me to the windy, fateful edge;

For me, the haunted sea and shallow dream

They seemed at last to be an easy test

I watched you-pulled to sea

On a raft that wouldn't float

Yet, I raced to echoed flames

For a night of simple toasts

All of the whispered evening stars shall fall

And in their place a new moon soon will hang

It will speak of daunting, empty sorrow

And of the loneliness I can ever escape

At my gate I knew you waited

For years you sung your heart

And trusted if I knew you

I’d have saved you from the start

I heard you sing, I saw you dance till dawn

I saw your heart open and your arms for only her.

It was then that I felt your eyes fall away

And knew you could love me no more

Now the bitter wind takes hold

But to you I'm always far away

Yet somewhere in my heart

You have found a way to stay

With the sun I waited for you each passing day

Knowing how I helplessly loved you more

Then you would ever allow yourself to realize

so much more than you could ever have wanted me for

I lost you to your sorrow

To pain I couldn’t know

I lost you to your silence

To the weight you carried alone

Under the soft earth my bones lie quiet

The whole world is soon to peace

Yet my tired soul still wanders slowly

As it shall never know of sleep

But at night, in the dark

When I hear you beg my name

Its blackness that call me towards

What was lost that night again

Now I pray you won't forget me

As I'm forced to say goodbye                                                                               

I fade into the blackness

of this cold never ending night

At night, in the dark

I hear you call my name

My soul will wait forever

I close my eyes the same

Remembrance Day

Originally Veteran's Day was named Armistice Day, a moment to celebrate the declaration of peace at the end of WWI. Later it was renamed to Veteran's Day to honor the roughly two million people who died during the war. In some places, it became Remembrance Day.

If you listen to the radio you would think that the only point of the holiday is to get a new mattress at clearance prices. The papers are a bit different, I’ve seen plenty of stories focusing on the human stories, those who gave their life, defended an important hold, saved others; those who defined themselves with their actions.

I've been thinking about this a lot. It’s no secret that I go on a decent number of “dates.” I’ve seen a lot of guys and regardless of the intent of the meeting I do judge them based on their actions. Everyone does it. We look for things, tells, and think we can learn about someone’s character this way. For me, I look for things like if they walk me back to my car. If they don’t want to go to the trouble then I know he isn’t actually dominant and instead is just a boy playing dress up. Most men will offer to walk me so I’ve started looking at something else: what do they do as they walk back to their car? If the guy immediately pulls out his cell phone and starts checking facebook or texting another girl than chances are I am not going to think they are worth any of my time. Now, the good ones, the guys you want to hold on to, they are the ones who will watch as you drive away and wave. They are the sweet guys who will be responsible and kind.

I think what I am starting to understand about being this age is that we are at the point where we are defining who we want to be. Which character, which version are we going to be? A child, a teenager, even a young college kid may not really understand the etiquette. Up to a few years ago none of the guys I was with would have opened a car door for me, its something you have to sort of work up to. Now though, I’m a bit older and the people I know are a bit more knowledgeable and those who are not, are not by choice. At this point people know what they can do and what expectations are and what is above and beyond and people are able to make the decisions they want to achieve the type of reputation they want, the way they want to be remembered.

My grandfather was by all accounts one of the best men to ever live. He worked almost his entire life and up until the last month of his life volunteered delivering meals on wheels, helping the church and working in the men’s club. He also went to just about every high school sporting game within an hours drive. He was kind and generous and made sure to do the right thing.

By all accounts, he will be remembered as a saint. His 90^th birthday had well over a hundred people. His funeral is being split over four days to accommodate everyone wanting to say goodbye. People have actually left things in their wills to my father and uncles because they knew my grandfather and knew he was such an incredible man.

That is how people should want to be remembered. That is what everyone should work towards.

I think about the people I know now and I think I am starting to learn a bit more about what I want, whom I want and who I want to be.

Last week I brought you a rough guide to knowing if you were ready for a baby, a girlfriend, a dog or a plant. I can only hope many people read it because so many need it. But alas.

Now I am bringing a rough guide on how to be who you want to be. My grandfather died yesterday. For the first time I had no one to call. Evan should have been here. He should have been the one to hold me and help me. But he isn’t and won’t ever even think that way. I went to see Eduardo and it took my several hours to tell him about the death because I didn’t feel any connection with him anymore. David would have been kind but I didn’t know what to ask of him. I called Daniel who explained that if I told him now he would try to set aside an hour for me to talk to him on Tuesday, this was Friday. He explained he was busy till then and then he said he had to go because he was going to go see his girlfriend. I have never thought less of him in my life. That’s who he is choosing to be. I think about the rare times people have come to me with emergencies, with tragedies and there are absolutely things I wish I could take back, fix, change. For the most part though, I know I have been there for almost anyone who has ever asked. That’s who I am and who I strive to be. Its how I want to be remembered. It’s important to me. To be loyal. To be a friend. To be committed. To try.

We have these moments where we get to define who we want to be. Do you want to be the hero who jumps on the grenade? Do you want to be the glorious planner who maps out the landing sites of the troops coming off the boats? Are you the commander that leads the triumphant charge? Are you the doctor that is on the front lines saving the men? Or are you the one who stays back in the states? Are you the one who sends out the draft letters? Follows the draft dodgers? Are you the one who collects tin cans from around the neighborhood? Or are you the one who makes a pretty penny out of the whole thing? Which person do you chose to be remembered as?

I like this point in my life because I am starting to, ever more, make smarter, more educate decisions about whom I want in my life. Because as much as my grandfather was an amazing person, he had some incredible people around him.

I know that I have a tendency to want the perfect friend. The one who will go and be just as excited for chocolate as for a new bridge. The one who will randomly get on a plane with me and jump in the Pacific Ocean. The one who will be dominant towards me and answer the phone in the middle of the night. Its hard for me to accept that there is no such thing and often that my things aren’t there version of perfect. Someone told me the other day that I should think about the things that others might not like about me and work to change them and while there are things I can work on, lets be honest I have no patience what so ever and I often forget to validate others, for the most part, though, I am pretty good with who I am which I don’t think I could have said a few years ago. I like the things I believe in. I think my interests are interesting. I know I am the hardest worker of anyone I know. I know I am loyal and that others see me as such. I know I am creative at times, that I love deeply and that I have a passion to learn. I know that I am working on my relationship with God and I know that I believe in my values.

I know for me a lot of it is going to be accepting that everyone is different, that they don’t have the same version of a good person, of who they should want to be. At the same time though I think as has been demonstrated with Daniel and even Topher, I have a hard time when words and actions don’t add up. I can’t tolerate that. People thing that saying something is enough. Saving I want to be there for the troops, I want to be the person they can count on, they can turn to, I want to support them while they fight for us. That’s one thing. Being it is another. I know what I am looking for. What I respect and where I want to be headed. I just need to make sure those around me do too.

I went out with this guy the other night. He has to be amongst the most patient people I have ever met. He held the door for me, took my hand, ordered for me and looked after me while I was sick. You know what he didn’t do? He didn’t blindly state ‘I am always there for people.’ He told me about when one of his ex’s (who he was no longer seeing at the time) randomly showed up at his place a mess, crying, and upset. And he called out from work, canceled his plans, sat with her, and helped her. He showed me.

I want to be a good enough for that person. I want to work on myself, do the right things, make the most of those moments where I GET THE PRIVELEDGE of choosing who I want to be, how I want to b defined, to claim my character, I want to make the most of those to be the type of person that deserves someone like that guy.

Right now I mean nothing to Eduardo. He has no emotional investment and I have beat myself up trying to fix that but it wasn’t until last night I understand that he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t value that. He has worked to seclude himself. He’s not perfect either.

But I still want him to count on me. To trust me. To know I love him. Because being remembered for that, being remembered as someone who tries, who is loyal, who works hard, who has values and is driven. That is how I want to be remembered. I want someone at my funeral to speak of me the way they will of my grandfather.

So now, it's off to Ohio to celebrate a life well lived; to remember the choices he chose to define himself.

Bubbles

Bubbles

When I was young and believed that Santa would be coming to my house that night I remember my sister walking in the room and announcing to the family that it was time she burst the bubble. My father yelled at her but Stephanie was Stephanie and was determined. Sadly, it's one of the few sister type memories I have.

When you meet someone for the first time its normal to have some first impressions and cling to that impression a bit. Based on the persons clothes, speech and even your conversation. The truth of it is that we hold those first impressions for a while. They may get shaped, edited slightly but the general direction is pretty well set. In order for that to change I think you need a bubble burst- a moment when something drastic is said or done that doesn't fit with your earlier version, when you notice something about the other person that mandates you change your old ideas. Something you'd be hard press to be able to ignore in the future.

I have that with a few people. For the most part it’s unfortunate when it happens because I typically start off thinking people are amazing and then slowly things change. Not always though. Dave is a great example. I thought he was dumb. I thought he was single minded. And a few other things that I will leave out. But, I turned out to be wrong about nearly all. It sometimes makes things difficult. Its happened with almost everyone to some degree and it is usually irreversible. It would take another bubble burst to change it. For instance, I subsequently thought Dave was horribly smart and just so far above me. There were some more bubble incidents. Now we have good days and bad. He’s really smart at some things and others aren’t strong suits. For most people though you get a first impression and that is what sticks. If something occurs to change my opinion then you are stuck with your bubble version.

There is one friend for instance that I know has a hard time being responsible and against my better judgment I occasionally feel myself pulling out of him more examples where he acted irresponsibly. Almost to separate myself from him. Not entirely sure. Recently, I noticed that Eduardo (you’ll understand shortly) has bubble bursted me. I have become this child to him that he sees as an annoyance and that is how he will continue to see me until another bubble burst occurs.

Its funny how we stick to things. If you’ve committed to something its so hard to change your mind. I can only imagine some brain chemistry stuff explaining how once pathways have been set then your brain continues to take the route that it has already found. If you had to make a decision about something like whether something was red or pink and you went with pink and were then shown evidence that clearly put the color at red, my guess is that your brain actually would continue to process the color as pink since we know that even assigning something a color with a word makes us see the color. If, for instance, someone came up to you and said that it was red at the beginning of the conversation instead of asking, my guess is that your brain would only ever see it as red. Would be curious to back this up with research but nonetheless... it relates in the following way. someone (if you really cant figure it out, ask me) asked me to refer to him as Eduardo going forward because I had mentioned him in here before. I knew I had talked about him but thought I had remembered being relatively careful about using his name so I did a search. In this blog, I actually don’t have a record of his name. But I know he remembers seeing it.

A long time ago someone told me that before you have a baby you should have a dog. Before you have a dog you should have a plant. I think it follows the same line of thought. I would like to change this a bit but will start with my flaw. I cannot take care of a plant. Evan and Scott always did it for me. I couldn’t ever master it. I would over water and underwater and never knew what to do. The next step for me would be a dog. Id probably be awful. I don’t give max anywhere near enough attention because he is always filthy and shedding and smells and well I guess that’s not entirely true. Now I don’t feel as comfortable for a few reasons. But nonetheless. So lets call it as it is, I would kill a relationship. Now to go back to my thoughts on expanding this.

I think that before you get married you need to go over a few things. Lets start with what prompted everything this entire past week. The fights, the loneliness, the conversations. Eduardo has temporarily inherited a cat named Thor whom I adore. (I know I know) I worry about something’s and always wanted to make sure thor was happy. Eduardo mentioned that thors owner was looking for someone to give Thor away to. I was most unhappy with this for a variety of reasons. The main being that everyone should get to feel loved, no one should ever feel abandon. I will never be ok and that sucks but Thor shouldn’t have to feel that way. Ever. And it’s my job to protect him and everyone else. I became rather upset by the entire scenario and it started an argument. Not just with Eduardo. In my mind once you have made a commitment you need to stand by it. Not until it ceases to become convenient but forever. There is no such thing as 'ill try to keep the promise.' oxymoron. I couldn’t get past everything with Thor and to be honest it still hurts me.

I was abandon. I deserved it but I still was and it still effects me. I don’t blame my father for being a bad parent and not going to enough swim meets. I don’t blame my mother for being crazy. In fact, as some of you know, I refuse to acknowledge that they in any way affected me. Evan abandoned me because I didn’t deserve him. God tried to give me something amazing but I ruined that. I caused myself to be abandoned but it still terrifies me. Last night I tried the whole 'imagine a safe place' and came back to the same 'stone bunker with small windows looking out at the ocean on a small island.' hopefully you all are intelligent enough to understand that’s not safety. That’s fear. I don’t want Thor or anyone else to ever, ever have to feel that.

Recently someone told me that one of the benefits of poly is that you are not putting all your eggs in one basket. I nearly died. That is in fact my great hope. I want to trust and love someone enough that I am willing to do that. I personally think that is most people's goal. Least most women. I think the men that prefer poly are being irresponsible but ill come back to that. I think it is greedy and selfish. The point of the relationship is not to have constant praise and sex; it’s to have a commitment. To have love. Lets go back to our expanded checklist shall we?

I think that moving on to the next stage on the baby ladder should be more about that questions you ask in the previous ones. So lets start at the beginning. . You have your plant and you noticed that it is dying. How do you proceed? Is your first thought to throw it away and dust the ledge? Do you throw it away and go buy another? Do you try to water it more and bring it back to life? Go to a nursery and get another opinion? (I’m the last by the way). Here’s the trick. If you stop at the first or second question, stick with a plant. If you made it to three, go head and try a pet. Now lets imagine that your pet needs a grooming for his nails but you want to go to the bar instead. Do you ignore that he even has nails and have no idea what I’m talking about? Do you go to the bar and figure you’ll get back to the nails sometime next month or whenever he scratches you again? Do you make an appointment for the next week and go out? Do you skip the bar, save money and go to the groomers as soon as you can eating only canned tuna to save up? Or do you scrap all plans and run to the store, get the needed tools and spend your night fixing the problem. If you are the last one, we need to talk about your life. But no, if it’s the first two maybe let’s stick with Fido. If its the others, lets get your a relationship! So you have a brand new girlfriend, lucky you she's fucking hot too. Now then you have been nauseatingly attached for four days spending virtually every second making out or screwing. You haven’t seen or talked to any friends since you two got serious except on your lunch breaks when she is working and cant call you so you send out a few broken texts about the new feature on your cellphone your girlfriend bought you. You get a text later saying that she wants to go to a movie on Thursday with you but you know that your group of friends is going to a concert that night. Do you blow off everything and stick with your girlfriend as she is now the priority and every ounce of energy should be devoted to the relationship? Do you go to the movie and figure you’ll hang out with your friends sometime when her work schedule and yours don’t align? Do you invite your friend to hang out with you before you pick up the girlfriend for the movie and text your girlfriend while with them? Do you invite the girlfriend to the concert with your friends instead? Or do you take a night off from the girlfriend and remember you had friends that were there for you long before you met this slot? If you’re going with one of the first three please don’t be terribly offended if I laugh like hell when you tell me you’re engaged and laugh even harder when you tell me your divorced. Learn loyalty. Get better at reality. It is one of my biggest pet peeves that most the men I know (and many women but not nearly the same amount) cannot for the life of them juggle friends and relationships. It’s easy. Who have you known longer? Are you engaged or married? If you have a girlfriend of less than a month, she should be the LOWEST priority. If you have been dating six months, she gets a heftier say but still not as much as a five-year friend. Engaged? Story change. She starts moving up. Married? Guess what, you have now chosen your family. She should matter more than your mother because this is who you are choosing.

If you decide to move in with your new girlfriend and she hates Fido so you decide to give him away, you decide this girl is worth so much that Fido should go- you wont keep her. And you shouldn’t. Nothing you say or do can have worth because look what you’ve done. You’ve given up someone counting on you. You’ve broken your commitment. You’ll do again with her. You’ll do it the next time a pretty face walks by. You’ll go through the motions, do all the same crap everyone does with all the same BS excuses for why it didn’t work.

I had a guy tell me recently that I wanted to submit to him. He kept asking, "You want to serve me? Open doors for me?" etc. pissed me off. Being a Dom in my mind doesn’t mean being lazy, doesn’t mean not having manners, and doesn’t mean not being a man. It means helping me by taking control of me, as I don’t feel I am capable of doing that as well as he can. It means me trusting someone so much that I am letting them decide things for me. It means wanting him to be happy and hoping that some part of me is able to provide that. It doesn’t mean him holding me down and handcuffing me during sex. Its part of why I am surprised when people say they don’t know what they want and yet not bothered by it. I don’t think being a Dom is something you randomly decide upon just for kink. That’s topping. Being a Dom, it’s why someone being new to the scene doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s why I don’t think ill find the person I want in the community. A dominant man, he'll walk me to my car and make sure I make it home safely. The yelling at girl to get on her knees and suck you sounds a bit easier huh? Yea that’s the part I'm not attracted to. That’s the part that annoys me. That feels fake. That feels like you just want a pretty, bushy decoration.

I don’t want more than one person who doesn’t have to try to be everything. I want one person who is willing to try, who is that brave and responsible and capable. I don’t want to fall asleep listening for a break in the waves outside my fort that will warn of an encroaching vessel; I want to fall asleep in his arms knowing he is looking after me-I don’t want to wonder who he is looking after, I don’t want to think about the other plants he trying. I don’t want to be Thor. I don’t want someone’s bubble of me to burst and have him look at me the way Eduardo does.

I want a collar. I want a ring. I want to believe that he will come to my house every night.

There are some nights when it amazes me no one loves me. I think about how devoted I am for some and how much I love them and it amazes me that no one feels that for me in the least. There are times I stay awake worrying about so many I love and it’s strange to think Evan has never once done that. Three nights ago I stayed awake crying, I felt so alone so terrified of things I couldn’t even see and yet all I wanted to do was pray that Thor wouldn’t ever know what it was like to feel abandoned. I'd love someone like me. Although I would look at me and my own heart would break. I'm ok with that though. The love of tragedy and all.

A number of people have told me lately that I deserve better than the situations I have been putting myself in. The dangerous, stupid positions. People who meet me always tell me not to compromise but I never listen because it's not how I see myself. That's not part of my bubble. My devil. But then I know that I need to change my willingness to compromise, my boundaries. I need to have far more clear boundaries especially in regards to play and relationships. I just hope and have faith that other people have the same bubbles. Have the same thoughts about connections. And I wait for my bubble burst moment and watch it all from the shores of my deteriorating beach.

The thing of it is, that even with there being some things about me that I think are good, I still see myself as someone who was abandoned, someone who deserves that. I still see my world as scary. I still want to feel submissive. I still want to love someone. And I still see all of the things I’ve always seen because bursting my own bubble of me, that would take an event as remarkable as falling in love: I still wait by the train I build, under the red glow of the Christmas tree every year.

Bleh

Even surrounded by people I'm feeling more alone. Point of fact, the more people, the more alone I feel. It's getting to me. Write soon.

The Sims

I love the sims. They make so much sense to me: easy to understand formulas of hunger, fun, social. It makes it all rather easy to understand; it breaks down complicated life feelings to easy to visually interpret bar graphs! Could you really ask for more?

I don't know why I didn't think if this earlier but it recently was asked of me: are you getting your submissive needs met? I had never in my life considered that. The answer, clearly, is no. But I'm in love with this question. 

Not only does it clearly identify the problem but it allows for there to be a solution. Its like when people talk of alcoholism. If it is truly a disease than it should follow that there is a cure. There should, in any problem, contain a solution. More on that to come. 

I spent the evening with Dave the other night and we had sushi even though we had talked at end about not doing that. it was nice. Too nice to be honest as it made me start to think about things that really shouldn't be in my head. This has become ever more clear to me with each passing minute. With every turn people make decisions that will enhance or detract from someone else’s day, someone else’s life. We chose with each waking moment how to impact everyone else. With every horrible thing I have done to chris, with every stupid decision I have made, I am making myself. I am effecting his bar graph just as dave effects mine.

That night was about when I understood yet another reason it was probably good I haven't had sex and why I'm not poly. I become too emotionally attached. This seems a bit strange as this was not how I used to be. I used to be the one that would get up instantly and run to take a shower after sushi. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of cuddling and hugs and crap. Hated it. But maybe that still meant I could be getting emotionally attached. But, for me, it is a way to be vulnerable. Dave encourages me to try a million different things in sex and on the surface that sounded like a great idea but I am using it as something far different than he is. Or perhaps a bit too much the same. Regardless what I should be doing, I use sex as a way of being vulnerable, I use sex as a way to actually be more myself and let someone else see me. He is a service top, who he is is only ever who someone else wants him to be. That alone is enough to cause trouble for me as I want to believe that people are honest when I am being my most honest. That simply isn’t the case though.

That's part of why I don't think I could ever do poly. I was thinking about it last night a bit more with Daniel and in some ways it makes sense. It’s like dating in the fifties. No one went steady in those days. The point was to date around and see with whom you're compatible. I think the trouble is when you become serious about someone as I would then expect that dating around to end but for some it doesn't. And I don't think my feelings of attachment could live through that. I do get attached. I do grow close to people and want that person to be special. I want to be special to that person. I want to know I exist when im not naked in front of them. And don’t feed me the bs about how I don’t understand poly. I do. It means getting what you want without compromise.

Part of the reason I was upset the night I went out with Dave was that I had been told I was just like this mean character from this tv show. As I've asked other people about who they thought I was and it was funny. I got different answers when I started asking people which seemed a bit odd and I thought that perhaps this was because I was different around those people, the character they equated me with was simply the person I became when I was around them: the version of lara they contain in their minds. I talked to more people and people had such a clear version of who they thought I was and it differed vastly making my idea change. When I ask someone how they see me, they aren’t able to answer. Its not about rose colored glasses or the image they have of my in their brain; the character they are describing isn’t a type of me, it’s a type of us. The character they see, the person they equate me to, is simply put, them describing our relationship together: it’s the two of us.

So when I go out and feel awkward and want to stand in a corner and simply watch people everyone in that bar could view me as the same character because that would be how I am acting but instead that’s not what happens. They all view me as a different character. Some view me as the peppy, pretty cheerleader that I will never measure up to being, ill never be that happy, ill never be that included, but based on me and based on her and based on our interaction that is our relationship, that is the image that is displayed. While the next will view me as the loner geek with crooked teeth and frizzy hair that gets slushied when she walks through the hall, and that will be just as accurate because it has nothing to do with the person who sees me, and nothing to do with me, it is exclusively the product of us.

The nice thing is that this has given me some short clarity into whom it is I am looking to date. As far as I could tell I had made some rather gruesome mistakes in my dating life for very little reason. We could start with chad. There is no reason I should have ever wanted him. He was a douche bag. Hes not attractive and lets be honest he certainly was kind and I still don’t think he was ever all that intelligent. Years ago, straight after I broke things off with Jules I made a list of the attributes I wanted in a man I would date. The list was multiple pages but consisted of the usual: good looking, funny, confident, all that nonsense. So I look now at the people I am attracted to and the ones I should be but am not. I asked Daniel what made some of the people work and others so easy to forget and he offered that the ones that I seem to go after seem to be people who are smart, specifically smarter than me, and people who are capable of taking an analytical look at the past which allows me to better explore myself and other people’s motives and thoughts. Apparently introspection is a key quality that I want but its not something I necessarily want in my partner, its something that I want to have in our us. Hope that makes some sense.

That is why I am having such a difficult time with two of my friends who have recently entered into relationships. I wont for a second lie and say im not the jealous type. I am more than the jealous type. I can count the number of times I have single handedly assisted in the demise of multiple relationships. I have acted as the ultimate judge and executioner. Im not proud of those instances but I have let others live that have killed me as well. I did make evan cheat on molly. Lets be honest, ive made more men than I remember cheat. But those I like, the ones I actually love, are the ones ive also tried to not do that with. Ill leave those examples by the way side for, well, obvious reasons. But these two guys who have decided that they have found this wonderful blessing of love and deep, meaning that can only come with their one true soul mate. First off I want to gag every time they open their mouths. Nothing makes me look down on someone faster. Sorry. But it’s the fact that my character of them has been forced to change. They want to go from Puck to Blaine. There is no easy way for me to change the our that I have come to know. I don’t trust them because suddenly they are trying to introduce a different personality than the one we have created. Suddenly they are trying to convince me that they believe in things that the old version didn’t have in his vocabulary. Its why I scoff when I hear certain people talk of love. Its why I opt out of participating in conversations where people tell me of their deep committed relationships of six months. Its because there is no character. Its because their character can only come from the theft of another, if can only be born from stealing from something else. It can only ever mean that to give their new love a chance they are willing to kill off everything old.

Sadly, that was one of the more interesting parts of my birthday. Watching everyone from different social scenes interact, I got so many different character versions of people. On the one hand I have people telling me I should stick out  a friendship with one person and someone else saying he is only ever going to be a manipulative shit and another saying he actually has a lot in common with the man who started Satanism.

Let’s return though to the part I can talk of with more clarity: me. Dave told me if I was happy that I would need a stick to beat away all the men who would want me. I thought about this and thought about it. Its something ive been told a hundred times over by men who weren’t interested in me. The truth is. I like tragedy. The truth is that I like the beauty of sadness. I think its more pure. I think its more genuine. I don’t trust happiness entirely. Happiness is so easy. Its easy to be happy and continue it. It takes work and dedication to stay true to something that makes you sad, for the love of it, for the dedication to it. To me that is beautiful. its so easy to stick with a relationship that hasn’t had a fight and say it is perfect. Frankly, those are the ones I have no interested in. the ones I find inspiring are the ones that take effort, that try. If im happy I will have the people who can only deal with that. And the first sign of something wrong and well we all know where they will be. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to be happier than I am. No one wants to walk into something that will make their lives worse. I think though that the truth of it is that I simply need to be in a place where I am able to have the our be a strong character.  Writing out what I want in a partner and thinking of who I want to be in the a relationship simply put may not be enough.

That means that I haven’t yet figured out a way to have my bar graph filled. It means that my sim(ple) version of me still has a need that has not been filled. I want to feel submissive. I actually, evidently, have that as apart of my basic needs to function to my best ability. It explains a decent amount. Simple change of view can accomplish so much. So what now? It is clearly been established that I do not have any relationship where that character is capable of being submissive. It is also apparent that I do become too emotionally attached when I am submitting to someone. This then suggests to me that I need to come up with a way of being submissive outside of a relationship. The trouble is I have absolutely no idea how to do that and my little tiny sim is grumbling and refusing to do much of anything else until I get this need met. Guess this giant game is a bit more challenging than a simple algorithm.