I should sleep more

At night, in the dark

I hear you call my name

At night, in the silence

I see you cry in pain

The sun has left and night has come

And I should have stopped long ago,

But promises should last forever

Even while I know I cannot do so

It’s the hope I will return

That holds you to my side

But fear of what I've done

That makes you shrink under sky

It was only the simplest voice I heard

That led me to the windy, fateful edge;

For me, the haunted sea and shallow dream

They seemed at last to be an easy test

I watched you-pulled to sea

On a raft that wouldn't float

Yet, I raced to echoed flames

For a night of simple toasts

All of the whispered evening stars shall fall

And in their place a new moon soon will hang

It will speak of daunting, empty sorrow

And of the loneliness I can ever escape

At my gate I knew you waited

For years you sung your heart

And trusted if I knew you

I’d have saved you from the start

I heard you sing, I saw you dance till dawn

I saw your heart open and your arms for only her.

It was then that I felt your eyes fall away

And knew you could love me no more

Now the bitter wind takes hold

But to you I'm always far away

Yet somewhere in my heart

You have found a way to stay

With the sun I waited for you each passing day

Knowing how I helplessly loved you more

Then you would ever allow yourself to realize

so much more than you could ever have wanted me for

I lost you to your sorrow

To pain I couldn’t know

I lost you to your silence

To the weight you carried alone

Under the soft earth my bones lie quiet

The whole world is soon to peace

Yet my tired soul still wanders slowly

As it shall never know of sleep

But at night, in the dark

When I hear you beg my name

Its blackness that call me towards

What was lost that night again

Now I pray you won't forget me

As I'm forced to say goodbye                                                                               

I fade into the blackness

of this cold never ending night

At night, in the dark

I hear you call my name

My soul will wait forever

I close my eyes the same

Remembrance Day

Originally Veteran's Day was named Armistice Day, a moment to celebrate the declaration of peace at the end of WWI. Later it was renamed to Veteran's Day to honor the roughly two million people who died during the war. In some places, it became Remembrance Day.

If you listen to the radio you would think that the only point of the holiday is to get a new mattress at clearance prices. The papers are a bit different, I’ve seen plenty of stories focusing on the human stories, those who gave their life, defended an important hold, saved others; those who defined themselves with their actions.

I've been thinking about this a lot. It’s no secret that I go on a decent number of “dates.” I’ve seen a lot of guys and regardless of the intent of the meeting I do judge them based on their actions. Everyone does it. We look for things, tells, and think we can learn about someone’s character this way. For me, I look for things like if they walk me back to my car. If they don’t want to go to the trouble then I know he isn’t actually dominant and instead is just a boy playing dress up. Most men will offer to walk me so I’ve started looking at something else: what do they do as they walk back to their car? If the guy immediately pulls out his cell phone and starts checking facebook or texting another girl than chances are I am not going to think they are worth any of my time. Now, the good ones, the guys you want to hold on to, they are the ones who will watch as you drive away and wave. They are the sweet guys who will be responsible and kind.

I think what I am starting to understand about being this age is that we are at the point where we are defining who we want to be. Which character, which version are we going to be? A child, a teenager, even a young college kid may not really understand the etiquette. Up to a few years ago none of the guys I was with would have opened a car door for me, its something you have to sort of work up to. Now though, I’m a bit older and the people I know are a bit more knowledgeable and those who are not, are not by choice. At this point people know what they can do and what expectations are and what is above and beyond and people are able to make the decisions they want to achieve the type of reputation they want, the way they want to be remembered.

My grandfather was by all accounts one of the best men to ever live. He worked almost his entire life and up until the last month of his life volunteered delivering meals on wheels, helping the church and working in the men’s club. He also went to just about every high school sporting game within an hours drive. He was kind and generous and made sure to do the right thing.

By all accounts, he will be remembered as a saint. His 90^th birthday had well over a hundred people. His funeral is being split over four days to accommodate everyone wanting to say goodbye. People have actually left things in their wills to my father and uncles because they knew my grandfather and knew he was such an incredible man.

That is how people should want to be remembered. That is what everyone should work towards.

I think about the people I know now and I think I am starting to learn a bit more about what I want, whom I want and who I want to be.

Last week I brought you a rough guide to knowing if you were ready for a baby, a girlfriend, a dog or a plant. I can only hope many people read it because so many need it. But alas.

Now I am bringing a rough guide on how to be who you want to be. My grandfather died yesterday. For the first time I had no one to call. Evan should have been here. He should have been the one to hold me and help me. But he isn’t and won’t ever even think that way. I went to see Eduardo and it took my several hours to tell him about the death because I didn’t feel any connection with him anymore. David would have been kind but I didn’t know what to ask of him. I called Daniel who explained that if I told him now he would try to set aside an hour for me to talk to him on Tuesday, this was Friday. He explained he was busy till then and then he said he had to go because he was going to go see his girlfriend. I have never thought less of him in my life. That’s who he is choosing to be. I think about the rare times people have come to me with emergencies, with tragedies and there are absolutely things I wish I could take back, fix, change. For the most part though, I know I have been there for almost anyone who has ever asked. That’s who I am and who I strive to be. Its how I want to be remembered. It’s important to me. To be loyal. To be a friend. To be committed. To try.

We have these moments where we get to define who we want to be. Do you want to be the hero who jumps on the grenade? Do you want to be the glorious planner who maps out the landing sites of the troops coming off the boats? Are you the commander that leads the triumphant charge? Are you the doctor that is on the front lines saving the men? Or are you the one who stays back in the states? Are you the one who sends out the draft letters? Follows the draft dodgers? Are you the one who collects tin cans from around the neighborhood? Or are you the one who makes a pretty penny out of the whole thing? Which person do you chose to be remembered as?

I like this point in my life because I am starting to, ever more, make smarter, more educate decisions about whom I want in my life. Because as much as my grandfather was an amazing person, he had some incredible people around him.

I know that I have a tendency to want the perfect friend. The one who will go and be just as excited for chocolate as for a new bridge. The one who will randomly get on a plane with me and jump in the Pacific Ocean. The one who will be dominant towards me and answer the phone in the middle of the night. Its hard for me to accept that there is no such thing and often that my things aren’t there version of perfect. Someone told me the other day that I should think about the things that others might not like about me and work to change them and while there are things I can work on, lets be honest I have no patience what so ever and I often forget to validate others, for the most part, though, I am pretty good with who I am which I don’t think I could have said a few years ago. I like the things I believe in. I think my interests are interesting. I know I am the hardest worker of anyone I know. I know I am loyal and that others see me as such. I know I am creative at times, that I love deeply and that I have a passion to learn. I know that I am working on my relationship with God and I know that I believe in my values.

I know for me a lot of it is going to be accepting that everyone is different, that they don’t have the same version of a good person, of who they should want to be. At the same time though I think as has been demonstrated with Daniel and even Topher, I have a hard time when words and actions don’t add up. I can’t tolerate that. People thing that saying something is enough. Saving I want to be there for the troops, I want to be the person they can count on, they can turn to, I want to support them while they fight for us. That’s one thing. Being it is another. I know what I am looking for. What I respect and where I want to be headed. I just need to make sure those around me do too.

I went out with this guy the other night. He has to be amongst the most patient people I have ever met. He held the door for me, took my hand, ordered for me and looked after me while I was sick. You know what he didn’t do? He didn’t blindly state ‘I am always there for people.’ He told me about when one of his ex’s (who he was no longer seeing at the time) randomly showed up at his place a mess, crying, and upset. And he called out from work, canceled his plans, sat with her, and helped her. He showed me.

I want to be a good enough for that person. I want to work on myself, do the right things, make the most of those moments where I GET THE PRIVELEDGE of choosing who I want to be, how I want to b defined, to claim my character, I want to make the most of those to be the type of person that deserves someone like that guy.

Right now I mean nothing to Eduardo. He has no emotional investment and I have beat myself up trying to fix that but it wasn’t until last night I understand that he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t value that. He has worked to seclude himself. He’s not perfect either.

But I still want him to count on me. To trust me. To know I love him. Because being remembered for that, being remembered as someone who tries, who is loyal, who works hard, who has values and is driven. That is how I want to be remembered. I want someone at my funeral to speak of me the way they will of my grandfather.

So now, it's off to Ohio to celebrate a life well lived; to remember the choices he chose to define himself.

Bubbles

Bubbles

When I was young and believed that Santa would be coming to my house that night I remember my sister walking in the room and announcing to the family that it was time she burst the bubble. My father yelled at her but Stephanie was Stephanie and was determined. Sadly, it's one of the few sister type memories I have.

When you meet someone for the first time its normal to have some first impressions and cling to that impression a bit. Based on the persons clothes, speech and even your conversation. The truth of it is that we hold those first impressions for a while. They may get shaped, edited slightly but the general direction is pretty well set. In order for that to change I think you need a bubble burst- a moment when something drastic is said or done that doesn't fit with your earlier version, when you notice something about the other person that mandates you change your old ideas. Something you'd be hard press to be able to ignore in the future.

I have that with a few people. For the most part it’s unfortunate when it happens because I typically start off thinking people are amazing and then slowly things change. Not always though. Dave is a great example. I thought he was dumb. I thought he was single minded. And a few other things that I will leave out. But, I turned out to be wrong about nearly all. It sometimes makes things difficult. Its happened with almost everyone to some degree and it is usually irreversible. It would take another bubble burst to change it. For instance, I subsequently thought Dave was horribly smart and just so far above me. There were some more bubble incidents. Now we have good days and bad. He’s really smart at some things and others aren’t strong suits. For most people though you get a first impression and that is what sticks. If something occurs to change my opinion then you are stuck with your bubble version.

There is one friend for instance that I know has a hard time being responsible and against my better judgment I occasionally feel myself pulling out of him more examples where he acted irresponsibly. Almost to separate myself from him. Not entirely sure. Recently, I noticed that Eduardo (you’ll understand shortly) has bubble bursted me. I have become this child to him that he sees as an annoyance and that is how he will continue to see me until another bubble burst occurs.

Its funny how we stick to things. If you’ve committed to something its so hard to change your mind. I can only imagine some brain chemistry stuff explaining how once pathways have been set then your brain continues to take the route that it has already found. If you had to make a decision about something like whether something was red or pink and you went with pink and were then shown evidence that clearly put the color at red, my guess is that your brain actually would continue to process the color as pink since we know that even assigning something a color with a word makes us see the color. If, for instance, someone came up to you and said that it was red at the beginning of the conversation instead of asking, my guess is that your brain would only ever see it as red. Would be curious to back this up with research but nonetheless... it relates in the following way. someone (if you really cant figure it out, ask me) asked me to refer to him as Eduardo going forward because I had mentioned him in here before. I knew I had talked about him but thought I had remembered being relatively careful about using his name so I did a search. In this blog, I actually don’t have a record of his name. But I know he remembers seeing it.

A long time ago someone told me that before you have a baby you should have a dog. Before you have a dog you should have a plant. I think it follows the same line of thought. I would like to change this a bit but will start with my flaw. I cannot take care of a plant. Evan and Scott always did it for me. I couldn’t ever master it. I would over water and underwater and never knew what to do. The next step for me would be a dog. Id probably be awful. I don’t give max anywhere near enough attention because he is always filthy and shedding and smells and well I guess that’s not entirely true. Now I don’t feel as comfortable for a few reasons. But nonetheless. So lets call it as it is, I would kill a relationship. Now to go back to my thoughts on expanding this.

I think that before you get married you need to go over a few things. Lets start with what prompted everything this entire past week. The fights, the loneliness, the conversations. Eduardo has temporarily inherited a cat named Thor whom I adore. (I know I know) I worry about something’s and always wanted to make sure thor was happy. Eduardo mentioned that thors owner was looking for someone to give Thor away to. I was most unhappy with this for a variety of reasons. The main being that everyone should get to feel loved, no one should ever feel abandon. I will never be ok and that sucks but Thor shouldn’t have to feel that way. Ever. And it’s my job to protect him and everyone else. I became rather upset by the entire scenario and it started an argument. Not just with Eduardo. In my mind once you have made a commitment you need to stand by it. Not until it ceases to become convenient but forever. There is no such thing as 'ill try to keep the promise.' oxymoron. I couldn’t get past everything with Thor and to be honest it still hurts me.

I was abandon. I deserved it but I still was and it still effects me. I don’t blame my father for being a bad parent and not going to enough swim meets. I don’t blame my mother for being crazy. In fact, as some of you know, I refuse to acknowledge that they in any way affected me. Evan abandoned me because I didn’t deserve him. God tried to give me something amazing but I ruined that. I caused myself to be abandoned but it still terrifies me. Last night I tried the whole 'imagine a safe place' and came back to the same 'stone bunker with small windows looking out at the ocean on a small island.' hopefully you all are intelligent enough to understand that’s not safety. That’s fear. I don’t want Thor or anyone else to ever, ever have to feel that.

Recently someone told me that one of the benefits of poly is that you are not putting all your eggs in one basket. I nearly died. That is in fact my great hope. I want to trust and love someone enough that I am willing to do that. I personally think that is most people's goal. Least most women. I think the men that prefer poly are being irresponsible but ill come back to that. I think it is greedy and selfish. The point of the relationship is not to have constant praise and sex; it’s to have a commitment. To have love. Lets go back to our expanded checklist shall we?

I think that moving on to the next stage on the baby ladder should be more about that questions you ask in the previous ones. So lets start at the beginning. . You have your plant and you noticed that it is dying. How do you proceed? Is your first thought to throw it away and dust the ledge? Do you throw it away and go buy another? Do you try to water it more and bring it back to life? Go to a nursery and get another opinion? (I’m the last by the way). Here’s the trick. If you stop at the first or second question, stick with a plant. If you made it to three, go head and try a pet. Now lets imagine that your pet needs a grooming for his nails but you want to go to the bar instead. Do you ignore that he even has nails and have no idea what I’m talking about? Do you go to the bar and figure you’ll get back to the nails sometime next month or whenever he scratches you again? Do you make an appointment for the next week and go out? Do you skip the bar, save money and go to the groomers as soon as you can eating only canned tuna to save up? Or do you scrap all plans and run to the store, get the needed tools and spend your night fixing the problem. If you are the last one, we need to talk about your life. But no, if it’s the first two maybe let’s stick with Fido. If its the others, lets get your a relationship! So you have a brand new girlfriend, lucky you she's fucking hot too. Now then you have been nauseatingly attached for four days spending virtually every second making out or screwing. You haven’t seen or talked to any friends since you two got serious except on your lunch breaks when she is working and cant call you so you send out a few broken texts about the new feature on your cellphone your girlfriend bought you. You get a text later saying that she wants to go to a movie on Thursday with you but you know that your group of friends is going to a concert that night. Do you blow off everything and stick with your girlfriend as she is now the priority and every ounce of energy should be devoted to the relationship? Do you go to the movie and figure you’ll hang out with your friends sometime when her work schedule and yours don’t align? Do you invite your friend to hang out with you before you pick up the girlfriend for the movie and text your girlfriend while with them? Do you invite the girlfriend to the concert with your friends instead? Or do you take a night off from the girlfriend and remember you had friends that were there for you long before you met this slot? If you’re going with one of the first three please don’t be terribly offended if I laugh like hell when you tell me you’re engaged and laugh even harder when you tell me your divorced. Learn loyalty. Get better at reality. It is one of my biggest pet peeves that most the men I know (and many women but not nearly the same amount) cannot for the life of them juggle friends and relationships. It’s easy. Who have you known longer? Are you engaged or married? If you have a girlfriend of less than a month, she should be the LOWEST priority. If you have been dating six months, she gets a heftier say but still not as much as a five-year friend. Engaged? Story change. She starts moving up. Married? Guess what, you have now chosen your family. She should matter more than your mother because this is who you are choosing.

If you decide to move in with your new girlfriend and she hates Fido so you decide to give him away, you decide this girl is worth so much that Fido should go- you wont keep her. And you shouldn’t. Nothing you say or do can have worth because look what you’ve done. You’ve given up someone counting on you. You’ve broken your commitment. You’ll do again with her. You’ll do it the next time a pretty face walks by. You’ll go through the motions, do all the same crap everyone does with all the same BS excuses for why it didn’t work.

I had a guy tell me recently that I wanted to submit to him. He kept asking, "You want to serve me? Open doors for me?" etc. pissed me off. Being a Dom in my mind doesn’t mean being lazy, doesn’t mean not having manners, and doesn’t mean not being a man. It means helping me by taking control of me, as I don’t feel I am capable of doing that as well as he can. It means me trusting someone so much that I am letting them decide things for me. It means wanting him to be happy and hoping that some part of me is able to provide that. It doesn’t mean him holding me down and handcuffing me during sex. Its part of why I am surprised when people say they don’t know what they want and yet not bothered by it. I don’t think being a Dom is something you randomly decide upon just for kink. That’s topping. Being a Dom, it’s why someone being new to the scene doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s why I don’t think ill find the person I want in the community. A dominant man, he'll walk me to my car and make sure I make it home safely. The yelling at girl to get on her knees and suck you sounds a bit easier huh? Yea that’s the part I'm not attracted to. That’s the part that annoys me. That feels fake. That feels like you just want a pretty, bushy decoration.

I don’t want more than one person who doesn’t have to try to be everything. I want one person who is willing to try, who is that brave and responsible and capable. I don’t want to fall asleep listening for a break in the waves outside my fort that will warn of an encroaching vessel; I want to fall asleep in his arms knowing he is looking after me-I don’t want to wonder who he is looking after, I don’t want to think about the other plants he trying. I don’t want to be Thor. I don’t want someone’s bubble of me to burst and have him look at me the way Eduardo does.

I want a collar. I want a ring. I want to believe that he will come to my house every night.

There are some nights when it amazes me no one loves me. I think about how devoted I am for some and how much I love them and it amazes me that no one feels that for me in the least. There are times I stay awake worrying about so many I love and it’s strange to think Evan has never once done that. Three nights ago I stayed awake crying, I felt so alone so terrified of things I couldn’t even see and yet all I wanted to do was pray that Thor wouldn’t ever know what it was like to feel abandoned. I'd love someone like me. Although I would look at me and my own heart would break. I'm ok with that though. The love of tragedy and all.

A number of people have told me lately that I deserve better than the situations I have been putting myself in. The dangerous, stupid positions. People who meet me always tell me not to compromise but I never listen because it's not how I see myself. That's not part of my bubble. My devil. But then I know that I need to change my willingness to compromise, my boundaries. I need to have far more clear boundaries especially in regards to play and relationships. I just hope and have faith that other people have the same bubbles. Have the same thoughts about connections. And I wait for my bubble burst moment and watch it all from the shores of my deteriorating beach.

The thing of it is, that even with there being some things about me that I think are good, I still see myself as someone who was abandoned, someone who deserves that. I still see my world as scary. I still want to feel submissive. I still want to love someone. And I still see all of the things I’ve always seen because bursting my own bubble of me, that would take an event as remarkable as falling in love: I still wait by the train I build, under the red glow of the Christmas tree every year.

Bleh

Even surrounded by people I'm feeling more alone. Point of fact, the more people, the more alone I feel. It's getting to me. Write soon.