I recently read a book about how being 29 is quite possible the hardest year. the premise essentially was that being 29 meant coming to terms with everything you thought was supposed to happen and didn't. and even worse: everything you thought you wanted but don't.
i have already had some frustrations and some good points of the year but overall i am tragically optimistic. i keep thinking maybe this year will be better. and the something happens to scare that away.
the other night after a munch i had the most amazing evening going and playing silly shoot em up games at an arcade with an ex. i had an amazing night and i felt special and wonderful and alive and good. part of me wanted him back. missed him. missed feeling special. i contacted him the next day and told him i missed hanging out with him and i wanted to do something with him soon. he responded he would be happy to, but as a casual friend with no pressure. for some reason this struck me and i couldn't recover . i just kept hearing the words echo and thinking of it over and over. i thought of how when i see amittai i feel amazing and incredible for a night, for a day and then realize i mean nothing to him.
i thought about how when amittai leaves town or when kurt is away and they let me stay at their place, or when i stay in a hotel, how i feel safe. for a night, for a day till i wake up, till i leave. i fell for this ex in that moment, in that space and then it was a cold wake up back to the real world, to the morning. its like i go from port to port looking, hoping for a place to hide out, to stay till the storm settles. like i have to stay moving. i thought of how easily it must seem i am manipulated. and i guess in truth i am. i don't know entirely what to do with that.
i got a dog because i love dogs but also because i thought it would be good to get out of my own head. if i had to worry about someone else, care about someone else, well then i couldn't be stuck in this whole i made. right? I'm not sure its worked out like that.
kurt is in the other room snoring so loud i cant even close my eyes. i feel trapped. not frightened, just claustrophobic. like they will find me hear sooner. like i would be safer at home. like its more obvious I'm hiding.
i leave for spain soon. another time alone, away from everyone where i pretend i am figuring things out.
maybe this could be my year. am i vain for thinking and hoping for such things? selfish?
i was able to admit to myself this morning that i didn't love evan enough. that he doesn't love me. i was able to admit it would be good if i could burn everything i saved for him and just let it go. i wont. but it would be good. i don't think i need him anymore. not how i used to. But i need something.
I keep thinking of my father. he tried things the same way. he worked out every single day. he would run, do sit ups, push ups. every day he did these things. every day he worked. he kept doing the same things, thinking the same things. and he died. he died long before his heart attack. i don't want to be that. i want to be able to say i am 29 and i was wrong about what i thought i knew, what i thought i wanted. i want to be able to say: i have some new ideas and i am ok if they don't work out. i don't want to fall this easily anymore. i don't want to need something to cling to this much. i don't know how to make this happen.
