i went on a walk today.

i moved a year ago. to england as it were. fish and chips, merry fuckin poppins. england.

i walked for a long time imagining the leaves were all the maps ever made, yellowing, fading, dissolving and forgetting. i imagined the cracks in the sidewalk to be whales breaking out of the sea, crashing back in a ferocious splash, ripping apart the tide. patterns in bricks became passage ways that led to the 1930's. it was wonderful.

a man asked me what i wanted in life. he told me, in the span of 20 minutes, his motto, three times. if he did this thing, he might see gains. if he worked today, he might see progress tomorrow. his view, as he told me again and again, was that tomorrow came at his behest. but what, he asked, did i seek. 'to be happy with my husband,' i could imagine nothing better.

since I've been here I've dated the love of my life only to find that just one of us was ready. i dated the boy who was actually named mr. right, only to find he wasn't sure what the question was. now I'm dating a boy who doesn't have a clue who he is.

they say being in nature for an hour a day can substantially change your brain. the problem solving, the creativity, the lack of constant fed stimulation.

i want to have someone fight for me. i want to be worthy of being loved. someday, perhaps a day thats already passed, someone will want to know me the way i longed to see the maps shriveled and dried on the ends of the branches.