5:20

A while back i came up with a way to understand the stock market that will be sure to offend nearly everyone who knows anything about the stock market. it basically is this idea that the stock market is basically the equivalent of the 520 bridge. it seems to me that the reason the 520 gets as bad as it does is because people get all nervous and freak out which actually makes them even worse at driving across the bridge themselves. as they think its going slower and slower they actually contribute to the slower and slower process. near as i can tell, this is the same as the stock market. its all a matter of what you already think is going to happen.

right before fred and i stopped talking i asked him what i should do with my life. at this point i was finishing my junior year in college and knew that design really wasnt what i was interested in pursuing. i remember clearly he told me that i should stick with it. it was, in many ways, how i knew that him and i were breaking up. how could he be so wrong? how could the person i loved so much, the person who knew me better than anyone else be so wrong?

its happened other times ive talked to him and every time its bothered me. ive asked him a million times to do readings on me, a hundred thousand times. im always disappointed.

the last time he told me that i would meet the man i should marry in a little bit. i asked him when and he said he couldnt tell. i got annoyed and kept pestering. i know he says he can see the scenes so i asked him more and more details. he said he could tell it was a while because i was dressed professionally. but i always dress fairly nicely. he also said id be wearing glasses. this is where my original question came in but as you can clearly see this is a blog and not a live journal which implies i have thoughts, i have answers.

i initially starting playing with all these ideas about how if you know that this is what the future looks like then cant you force it? cant you go around all day everyday in a three piece suit? start wearing glasses instead of contacts? but what if you force the wrong thing? what if i meet someone while im all dressed up and in glasses and go for him because thats in my mind that he will be right and i go for him and he is awful for me and i ignore a man who could have actually been good for me. or what if the man i meet is really just to introduce me to the man i should be with? then i started wondering if my dressing up and wearing glasses showed a willingness to obey, a desire stronger than what the world usually sees and therefor i would be rewarded? or perhaps punished for failing to wait until the right time, thinking i know better. this thought bothered me for a while. a lot of it got to me. i want a way to force things to happen now. i want to just work harder and harder and harder till i can force it.

last night something changed in my mind. i was driving back from tacoma (yes i know i was frightened too) and i took a guess as to what time i would be back. the second i started the car i was able to guess the time i would cross the seattle bridge because i could see myself looking down at the clock when i crossed the bridge. it said 10:58. as i started my drive i ended up behind some slow trucks, some people afraid of the dark, some people i could pace at 75-i met them all. i realized that the day before in the middle of rush hour traffic, crazy unpredictable rush hour seattle traffic i could do the same thing. i didnt know how long it would take me to get to where i was going but i could see what time i would be pulling in because i could picture the clock: 5:20.

i thought about that in the dark last night. there were so many things that could trip me up. and seeing how close it was to 10:50 and the boeing airfield i could have picked up my pace to ensure that i would be right, if it came to it i could always slow down considerably when i got to the bridge to make sure that my perception matched. thats when i realized though, thats what freds doing. freds telling me could work out if the train keeps its pace, if nothing changes, if there are no switches, then i arrive with the 520, then i arrive on time, then i arrive right where he said i would. but its the truth in that moment. its the truth when i entered in my car last night, when i asked fred on the phone what career i should follow, its the truth at that moment. it wont matter if i wear the glasses every single day, it wont force that truth because i turned a switch on the track, i stepped on the break lights on the bridge and scared the person behind me, i changed the path of that truth, of that singular moment and that singular moments future.

its why it was still right when i crossed the bridge at 10:56.