Christmas in July - Lent in September

The point of lent, to me, is to give up something in the hopes that you will be able to concentrate more on your relationship with God. If you give up something tangible, material, physical that you have become dependent upon, the release of that control that the object has over you, should make room for you to concentrate more on getting closer to God.

With that in mind i started thinking about the things that hold us back. I have a dear friend that i sincerely feel hides behind a wall that he has constructed so that he doesn't have to push himself harder, further. He doesn't have to be in those challenging situations and work through them because he is always able to take shelter in this safety of his own design. I also feel strongly that this is holding him back from getting some of the things he wants.

It was with this running through my head that i began to think about how easy it is to identify such things in other. I can look at most of my friends and relatively quickly make a judgement about what is holding them back. I think that's fair for most people right? It is significantly harder with myself.

I wanted this friend to try to give up the things he was hiding behind. The trouble was that for him it is a behavior, a mindset, and that can be much more challenging. So, i concluded, when better to give up the things we are clinging to than lent?! And hence... Lent in September.

My goal in all of this is to take one week and use it to try life the way we never normally live. Yea trust me i recognize how terrifying that is. So for me it might be living life as though i had confidence. or whatever. i actually could use input on what others think is the thing holding me back. but, none the less, it is a challenge to do it for one week. just to try it. just to try this insane experiment of all the types of life that you have convinced yourself isnt what you want. and yet, yet you admit, you aren't entirely happy in your own. its simply a challenge, a way to cross off a possibility on a checklist and ensure that you really do know better than that other crazy way. least this is how i am trying to convince myself to do it 100%.

so i will go a week changing my behavior in the ultimate hope that maybe it will help convince me to change my thoughts. my friend is going to try it to and i know hes a bit nervous. i invite anyone else to join in.

Lent in September begins on Monday, the 19th.

bad people

is it possible do you think for someone to be bad for you of no accord? i think about the people who have hurt me the most in my life and the list, honestly, is rather short. but even with evan... even with evan i didnt feel like this. there is one person in my life currently that is consistantly hurting me. i dont think he means to though. i honestly believe it is simply his personality, i honestly believe it is simply him being young. but it is with such predictable regularity it almost seems that he is turning a blind eye to things that one would have to know would hurt me. i read somewhere that it is not someones action but there thoughts, their intentions that make them evil. what are daves?

i think about everything thats happened this month.

you know when we kiss people it sends little electrical signals to our brains that tell us if the person is a good match for us. is it possible that people can just chemically, somehow biologically be bad for us?

and the clock strikes

its nearly one in the morning. i need to be up shortly. i am drunk out of mind and yet i have so few thoughts. i am pretty sure im going to be sick. im pretty sure i am jealous that my friend likes some girl. yet im equally sure that im now happy i am single. but im not sure if that means i am better or not. how do i know if im better? and when did i switch to just carrying why people think the way they do instead of trying to change their thoughts? and when did i lose track of both for myself? i havent any idea why i think what i do and i couldnt really care less.