Last night I celebrated my birthday. i had a lovely party out at a bar in west seattle and rather enjoyed myself. it was an odd little gathering of people from the alternative community, old co-workers, college friends, friends of friends and people from therapy. i like to watch my social circles interact so that they can all see how amazing and wonderful all the people i love are. i dont know, theres something nice about that.
in the end i had around twenty-five people come out and it was a great time. no one there seemed to ask but plenty of people i didnt invite but who had heard about my party had asked if it was for some milestone birthday: 25, 30, 35... the truth was it was a milestone just not since my birth.
it was my first birthday trying to move on. the point of a huge party, the point of going to so much fuss and bother was because i didnt want a birthday like last year, a birthday where i waited for him. stayed in my house waiting for him to ring the door bell, call me, email me, something. i didnt want to do that again.
so i didnt. i had a great group of people and a lot of conversations and one very tight car ride. it was nice that way. it was nice not waiting. the thing about it was that during the evening (and a few emails before) convinced me that i shouldnt be waiting at all.
looking at the photos i think my feelings, unfortunately, come across fairly strong. perhaps its difficult for me to hide emotions, least a few. but looking at the photos now and thinking about the party and thinking about the experiences ive had with the people there, it makes me think about something someone told me last night: that she wasn't up for dating just anyone. i have been pining away, perhaps not so secretly, for entirely too long with people who are entirely not interested and thinking back, while i adore them, i have no idea what i was doing. wonderful, amazing people that i dont need as anything but a friend. calling jake up and crying because he said he didnt think he could ever be interested in a relationship with me... well he should be and if hes not there's no reason i should wait around for him to see that. especially considering that i think if someone were to ask me i would say he was among my two best friends in the universe and if they were to ask him he would scarcely remember to count me.
last night was wonderful and i did ok with out evan. but now i want to find someone who want to be there, who would want to help me celebrate.
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