Year In Review

I wanted to take a second to welcome in the new year, think about the old year and dream about the year to come.

Let's start with 2011. There were some lows but i am hoping, upon serious reflection, highs will be remembered.

The Less Good
well the attempt ranks fairly high on this list.

the boys. the number of guys i trusted and who hurt me, staggering. the number of "relationships" i put faith in and missed the mark completely. thats probably the longest single streak of times ive felt stupid. especially the summer. especially the summer. but how many times can you ask the same questions? how much can you ever turn off your heart? i know im supposed to. i know its expected anymore. im not that person.

therapy. what i splendid idea that colossally failed. failed me and most everyone in my group. and watching it fall. and hearing the same attempt, the same hollow answer because no one knows.

the deaths. my father in 2010. but this year wasn't good either. i lost track of the phone calls but i knew them all the same. i could feel them coming. and there was so much other loss. that get's hard. part of me sees the line dying. lie my family slowly having the limbs burn up but then i was never a part of that family i guess.

The True Good
I found Fred. if nothing else is to be said of this year let us stick with that. i waited seven years to find him and i did. i tracked him down over another country, a new wife, and a different name. Yet i found him. I waited all of this time and i found him. When i first found him i remember asking my friend Adam if it would be enough for me, it would last me, if the happiness would stay. He said no. I never wanted to believe it. It was fred. but he was different, and so was i. his voice was different. lower, slower. married now. no patience. no desire. he was occupying the same space he had before but in a new body. he asked me you know. if i wanted to be his slave again. he was married now. i heard his voice. i found him.

friends. i have met a number of people this year that have changed not only me but how i see the world. they have given me memories i would have never had, experiences i hadnt known i wanted and shown me things that will effect my outlook on everything else. i wish they would have lasted longer but then, there's one person that i'm pretty sure ill be able to look for in fifteen years: eduardo.

birthday. my birthday was one of the best nights ive had in year. and im grateful for that. but there have been others. there have been many other nights that have left me feeling i could fly. even if its just for a moment, and even if its just with rope around me. i still loved it.

Entering the New Year, what has changed:
perhaps nothing. perhaps i am still in the same place. but i know a few things. i know a few more people and ive had some new experiences. ive grown a bit and found things i hated and things i loved.

im not foolish enough to say im over evan. im not foolish enough to say things are all better, they arent. i'm not. ive changed a bit but much is the same. same roommate, same house, same job. ive made no strides in my three primary life goals: marriage, career, God. i haven't even made much progress on my secondary life goals: touch a whale, good picture of me (though i did come very close thanks to a man in tacoma), and being a slave for the man in my dreams. i didnt travel nearly as much as i wanted. didnt apply to schools again. didnt really find the great support system i wanted.

but i tried. i left the house... i tried to be social. i met people. i did things on my own that i never did before. and i fought for things i believed.

i still miss him and i still miss that life, the life with him.

but now i have another year. now i have another chance to keep trying.

maybe not the best new years toast but champagne worthy none the less.

thank you to those of you who have helped make 2011 better than 2010. thank you specifically to the three of you who have proven that you would step out of your comfort to help me, to step out of your views to listen to me. thank you for catching me.