The dreams are getting intense. (It's what always occurs when I'm on medicine.) the ones last night had me with Evan. Shocking? Right? Anyhow. He was single again and even in my dream I remember sighing and thinking how nothing could go back to how it used to be.

In waking life I have actually, finally , reached a point where I have no desire to be in a relationship. Nothing. Not sexual. Not love. Not a fling. Not flirty. I'm good. Which is crazy. Even more I turned a guy down. I have this golden rule that should encourage guys being brave and asking girls out by saying yes to dates. But, this guy asked me in Sunday and I just had no desire. It sounded awful. Just entirely not what I wanted. So that's good.

But then came the next dream. So it took a while but I finally fell back asleep. And dreamed about a spider. Three hours later I get back in bed and fall asleep a last time. Evans back. I'm in a car and the window is down. Evan is walking to me. He gets to the window, looks at me with his back pack on and says something. I don't know what. When I wake up i search for what it could have been And my mind adds "stop looking for me". What does that mean? How do I deal with that??