The beginning of Lent is marked by Ash Wednesday where the faithful go to mass and have a cross of ash stained on their forehead. The purpose of it is to signify mourning or repentance for one's sins. It helps prepare us to receive God. Same reason we give up something for Lent, to ready ourselves to hear the word of God.
This year, I gave up judging others. It has long been my interpretation that Lent should instead be focused on how to have a closer relationship with God and removing those things that serve as obstical. It doesn't sound like a big difference but I believe it is key.
Giving up juding others is not easy but even worse is trying to give up judging myself. I think awful things about myself, judge myself too harshly and am critical of every decision and action I make. It is exhausting. i am trying qquite hard to not do that though. I am trying to be accepting and understanding of others and myself. I am trying to be more open. Luckily, this community has provided me with a wonderful practice ground as it is a mix of a lot of things with which I have a hard time.
I asked someone I admire greatly how he does it. How he always accepts anything I share about myself no matter how awful it is. He just does. I asked how I can accept some of his flaws: like stealing. He said I shouldn't. I tried to reason it out and decided that something like stealing isn't a flaw it is a decision to hurt someone else and I don't have to be ok with that. So it is simply actions, decisions that hurt others that I have to worry about in terms of maintaining who I want to be morally. So, if someone were to want to get married at 18 and have both partners work laying asphalt for the rest of their lives while smoking weed all day, it shouldn't be something I judge. If they went out and were dangerous while high then that would be different. I have tried to keep that in mind as this has progressed.
I watched this episode the other day of a show that had been off the air for roughly a decade. In the episode there is a man named Johnny who takes out a gun and tries to shoot a man that is highly respected in the community. The victims name is Greg. Watching all of this play out is a huge supporter of Greg named Bruce. Well, it is inside an auditorium and when the first shots ring out the crowd panics and screams and runs and it is chaos. Another shot is fired and people are falling while others run them over. Greg is shot but it is not clear how bad. Someone near Greg takes out a gun and fires back on Johnny, fatally wounding him. The spectators are still running out as more shots are being fired and the sense of panic and doom is overwhelming and yet, and yet, Bruce kneels down, in the middle of the stampede and gives Johnny his last rights.
To me that is the epitome of good. I have thought so much about accepting others that I had forgotten the point of it. The point of all of it is to accept others, to let go of judging and anger so that I could be closer to God and as a Christian that means being closer to the Good that is God. Loving even someone who has done something evil. Something vile. I think about Bruce bending down in the midst of chaos to ensure that Johnny had a shot at Heaven. Even if it isn't the Heaven Johnny believes in, even if it is not something we know Johnny wants, Bruce is risking his life to grant this peace to someone else because he believes it is the right thing.
I tried to do the right thing myself. I have a friend named Nathan for the sake of this. I went out with him two, three times as most. The last date he stayed the night even though nothing happened. We parted amicably and mutually. Neither was what the other wanted. That was two years ago. Every great once in a while he contacts me and hits on me a bit; every time his girlfriend goes out of town. I've never thought much about it because, well we don't talk and I haven't seen him in two years. They are always just random messages. A week or so ago it became a bit more pushy. His girlfriend, of two years now, was on another continent and he took that as an opportunity to hit on me a bit more agressively. I told him I was going to tell her. I thought about it for a long time. I wanted to do the right thing. I kept thinking about this: was I judging him, was I being judge and jury, was this my business? And I kept coming back to what my friend said about not having to accept something that would hurt someone. I thought about everyhing: if he was joking, if I misread this, if I led him on, if I did nothing, if he was hitting on someone else, if they had an open relationship, but in the end I knew I had to do something. I had to step in just in case I was right and she would be hurt by not knowing. I told her.
To make sure I wasn't reading into it I sent her every message Nathan had sent me and told her straight up front that I might be wrong, that I could be crazy but that if I wasn't, she might want to know how he acts every time she travels. She got back to me rather quickly. She was upset but at him. I spoke with her exceptionally briefly and she asked me to not speak to him so she could confront him herself. I surely agreed-I had no desire to talk to him at all. I had no idea what happened for a few days. I was worried. For her, for them, but I knew nothing. Then, a few days later, it started. I got facebook messages, text messages, even my friends got messages. He was threatening me, yelling at me, calling me a slut saying I was only doing this to hurt him, that I personally ruined his life, he even mentioned my work. I told him he had to stop, that I would go to the police. He laughed. This went on for a few days (still is). I try to ignore him now but obviously if it does get worse I will have to finish filling out the police report.
I called a few friends because I was upset. I didn't tell them the whole story because I didn't want to embarrass him, luckily we have almost no similar friends. I was upset too. All I had wanted to do was the right thing. She ended up breaking up with him. I can only imagine how she felt. They had been together for two years. She thought they were going to get married. I kept replaying it in my mind wondering if I had done the right thing. Over and over and over. Should have I gotten involved, should have I ignored the entire thing? Everyone said he simply was angry and needed to vent which I understood. I started to think about how quickly I had tried him for his reactions. I was furious for his threats, for the things he said but it does suck, he lost the girl he loves. I kept trying to tell myself that he didn't love her if he would hit on anything that moved as soon as she left his sight but that's not mine to judge either. He kept asking why I was angry with him, why I hated him so much that i would ruin his life on purpose. The more I thought about it i realized i did this with zero malice, zero anger. I just wanted to do the right thing. The calls and texts didn't ever stop though and even with me trying to be more understanding, Nathan was becoming more persistent in his threats. I offered to help him but he laughed and in truth I have no idea how I could have helped him but I felt I should try. So, what was left?
One of my friends ran through the entire thing with me again. He said I had done the right thing but I could tell he wasn't answering fully. He said Nathan needed to vent. Then it hit me. Doing the right thing, being good, being closer to God isn't about accepting people and letting live. It was about committing to doing that in the face of adversity. It was about committing to do that as rocks are being slung at you. It is easy to do the right thing and then walk away feeling good but i don't know how much that let's you feel God. Maybe though, maybe, doing what's right and then sticking around and allowing all of the crap that comes with that hit you instead of someone else, someone who for a moment needs help, needs strength, maybe that is being good. Nathan does need to vent, needs to throw stones and needs to yell at me. I did cause him a lot of pain. I took something from him that he loved. I know that wasn't what my intent was, I know that I didn't put it in motion, but I'm starting to see that what I need to do, is kneel next to him, help him breath, and give him any strength that i have left, even as the stampede around me turns to chaos, i need to hold his hand even as he hates me, because I can at least do that, I can at least let him hate me so that for a moment, he doesn't have to hate himself.
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