Muscle Memory

It takes 18 months to let go of a repeated muscle memory. It's why people still reach for a limb they don't have. It's why patients under going cancer therapy still reach to twirl their hair.

I wear jewelry every single day. I feel strange venturing out to work without my watch and my ring and yet the instant I am home or away from work I pull them both off-they are my uniform more than anything else. When I wear them I know that I am going to work and when they come off-I know that world isn't mine any longer.

I am 28 years old and there are so many beautiful pieces of jewelry. I used to receive a wondrous new piece each year for both my birthday and Christmas. Typically, my father would give me a necklace or eventually earrings and as I grew older they would become more age appropriate. With my father's death, the jewelry stopped as well. It's funny, the first Christmas without him my mother handed me a card with cash in it, she said it would continue-the tradition of getting cash on Christmas, just like it had with my father. I didn't remember he had ever done that. I only remember that he would send someone out to get me a present of jewelry. I knew he didnt do it himself but I also knew that wherever it was he went kept records of what he had purchased.

I'm 28 and with all of the jewelry I've worn: bracelets, anklets (lets skip over that), earrings, necklaces, broaches, everything, i have never once worn a ring on my left hand. i like to think i will have the next 60 years to wear that ring. that makes me smile. i think about it often. it makes me happy.

i should have learned something odd about myself years ago. people come back. ive never really lost someone for ever. not yet. i spent six years looking fred. summers searching for jules. letters upon letters to aaron. heyden said goodbye. daniel. scott. brandon. mike. yet somehow. i should have faith. i should believe he will come back. some how he will find me.

i talked to jake the other day. he said i had waited so long to have sex i should at least make it mean something now.

how long should i be true to someone i havent met? i dont wear a collar or anything similar out of respect for a man i can only imagine. never a ring because that is a symbol that i am his and he hasnt taken me yet.

i should have more faith. the world is smaller than it at first appears. they come. and i wait. each holiday i wait for him to give me that honor. for him to not have to ask someone else. i keep myself for someone im waiting to return, to meet.